Well...

Last night was interesting. LoL. yesterday, I didn't want to be alone in my house. Until things get settled around here I'm just going to try and busy my self, like right now, I've only been up for like 20 minutes, so I'm lying here in bed typing this post. Gotta love the wireless. Yesterday I went and chilled with my buddy steveo and we did the usual, played some nascar 2005 and then went to the park to hit some golf balls. (although I should have worn shoes. instead of my sandals.) Then when steveo had to go to work, I had already set up some more plans on msn, using his computer. I kind felt bad for doing it but he didn't seem to mind. so after steve went to work I wandered around with Tiff and Trina, we went and sat by the bandshell and waited for laura and mark to show up with the car so we could do something else. oh ya the squrils were having some fun. *nudge nudge* until some old man came walking by and clapped at them and scared them all away. There was also a seagull down there who thought it may have been a dog. You throw a stick at it and it would pick it up and sometimes start to bring it back towards us. so when laura showed up we went and got slushies, then went to the mall. now basically all we did at the mall was sit around and talk, but it was enough to get me out and about. today I get to go and see my mom at work. WOOO. LoL, I'm just going for the free gum. Appearently the store has been really dead, and there's not much work to do so today I'm going in from 2-6. not the kind of hours I was loking for this week. I was hoping for 9-6 every day since monday. But that hasn't happened. If I wasn't typing this right now I think I would feel alone in this house. much like yesterday when we were all hanging out, I did feel alone. never knowing what to expect. I was looking forward to talking to Michelle on the phone last night. but I guess it was to late to call when she got home. but oh well at least I did get to chat with her online. So basically how this stands is a couple sleepless nights, where I've tossed and turned, and I think it's alomst been 24 hours since I last ate something. But I am having breakfast, I'm finally feeling hunguary again. Some times I do like to be left alone in my thoughts and what not. but lately knowing that there's no one really around I don't like it. I watched some TV last night maybe 2 shows, got bored and went to bed. I don't want to say that I've got a bad life right now because I know I don't have a bad life here. I never had. I can't say anything about my home life my parents have always been there, and will always be there. there pretty laid back much like the old me, now I just feel like a prick most of the time. It's interesting though when I try and go to sleep and I toss and turn that's when it always seems to occure to me my flaws. no one nothing in life is ever perfect. as humans were defective every last one of us. a new born as soon as it's been subjected to something that will make it loose it's innocents it's been defected. Why all of a sudden am I so down on my self? During this post I got up and looked around for something eat. nothing really appealed, so I grabbed the smallest thing which happened to be a garnolabar. and forced my self to eat it. because when I looked at it I though nah I don't want that. is there something wrong with me? Why all of a sudden have I lost my appitite? I'm not really liking this. I'm avoiding being at home I think it's because I really don't want my parents asking me questions. Oh well today is hump day only 2 days before the weekend. I'm some what looking forward to the weekend not as much as I usually am. I know there's not going to be much for me to do since everyone is out drinking. (well that's were everyone will be I think) as much as I would like to join them I know I can't. Last night I realized it's not the bars I dislike it's me in a sence. The fiddle the other night was fun, I just wish I was in a better mood and maybe I wouldn't have been in these situations. I realized something last night that just made me wanna smash my head off the wall and yell at my self you idiot! It seems to me that my used to be massive ego has been popped thank god, and I've realized fuck what the hell people think of me I 19 and I want to have a fun time, weather I look like and ass or not. I may not want to spend $5 on a can of beer but the other bars server for $4 a bottle so let's get trashed some where else and go dancing. my dad was right the one day I asked him something. I looked at my dad and I said "Dad don't the people at work call you gay or something since cassandra (my sister) painted all of your finger nails?" now my dad replyed with this. "Josh, I don't give a shit what every one else thinks I've given up on those days long ago. It made your sister happy so it's fine with me, people can say what ever they want it doesn't bother me." So screw it to being afraid of making my self look like an ass, Techmically I don't really live in this town right now, and the people who are going to laugh are the people like me who are having fun. DAMN! why the hell can I never think or figure these things out when I needed to. So basically everything with in reason I'm good for. I can't belive I wouldn't dance with my girl friend at the club because I was thinking I was going to look like an ass. Those are supposed to be great memories that we should be able to look back on and laugh about but as it stands I'm the bump on the log. I'm the reason no one really had fun. Well fuck the old ways, your right you only live once there's no sence in trying to streatch things out. I've already thought long and hard about this and am regretting the fact of not wanting to go out and have as much fun as I should be. I've also done alot of other things that I'm hoping get things back on track. I'm sick of the fighting, and it's not like there yelling and screming at each other. we have never done that. and I'm proud of that fact atleast. I'm also proud that we did go a full year with out any fighting. But enough on that I guess. I've got some other things I want to get down here. maybe I'll continue that here in a bit.

Alittle while ago I was bored to I decided to visit some random journals on live journal. and I found this one entry that made me think and I thought to my self this would have been something that I would have done. basically it went like this.

Tom and his girlfirend were crusing around on his motorcycle, tom was having fun going fast and his girlfriend begged him to slow down. Tom agree's to slow down but in the process asks his girlfriend to give him a loving hug while there moving, he then tells her that his helmet is bugging him and that she should take it and wear it. Well tom realized that there was no way to slow down since his breaks wern't working and tom just wanted to feel the care and love from his girlfriend one more time, basically tom hit a wall and only one person survived. his Girlfriend since she was wearing his hulmet. It's sounds alot better in the pome form that I found it in but can't find it now so that's the best I'm going to do. Also on one of my wanders around the town I noticed some writing on a screen door that says "I miss you daddy" now in light of everything that's been going on down here I felt really bad for this kid who misses his dad. now hopefully his dad was just at work or something, but who knows he could have taken off. If people are that afraide of responsibility don't have sex. It shows what kind of person you truly are when you run away from your problems. I don't know what it's like to not have grown up with out a dad. My dad may have made a mistke (ie me.) I really wonder if I was a wanted child. Obviously I was loved and cared for but I don't think I was real wanted. I'm just a mistke that has turned out quite well. I'm the only one from my family ever to reach college or university, everyone else just has there grade 12, so I know that I have something to prove and to make something of my self. but who know's if we all wern't born at the times we were would wouldn't know any of each other. I probably wouldn't be around or I'd probably be 11. I would have never have had to chance to meet the people I have and never would have been able to date the girl of my dreams. some people belive that we were all supposed to meet it was prewritten long long before, and that really all you have to do is continue on with your life the way it is and things will work out. Well that's some people's opinion me I belive life is like a roll of the dice. you have to take certain risks and stick out your neck for things you want and belive in. Now I was kinda shy around michelle for most of high school, mainly because I did like her basically all the way through. but thought she was even out of my league. I never gave myself a fighting chance with her. but I stuck out my neck and look at where it's landed me good times for a year and 7 months, with hopefully many many more months and years to come. Life is about adaptation and change, you have to kind of change with your loved one's and support them through thick and thin. clubbing may be one of her favorite things to do, me not so much, but I think I'm willing to give it another shot with this new attitude that I'm hoping to implement it's already in the process. This is a challenge in my life that I'm over comming, but all I have to do is look at goal or what I'm trying to achive and who it's going to help in the long run. maybe this week off is what I needed to realize what's been going on in my head and it never really takes overly long for me to clear my thoughts and my set my mind at ease. as soon as I start seeing where I need to improve I go for it knowing full well that people should enjoy the outcome (hopefully) change is probably the hardest thing to do. seeing what you have to do is easy but getting your head around it is the hard part. Well I look at it like my options are running out it's either do or die for myself. that seems to get things through my head quite easily. There are lots of days where I wish I could just rewind back 20 minutes or so smack the hell out of myself for being an ass but that doesn't happen. your caught in the moment and your words and actions will affect other people and possibly the night at hand. Wow I've been typing this for an hour or so. Alot of stuff to get down in that small amount of time. It's interseting I've already reall have my plan of action for myself for this whole situation and I'm starting to belive it will work, there are some things that I want to do when I get back to ottawa, but those will be disscussed when the time comes. Basically I just want to set everything back to 0 like a reboot. kind of supress all of my thoughts and first opinions about some of the people who I probably didn't give a fare chance to. I know I started off on the wrong foot with them, and I do want to make up for it. and get to know them. The more and the more that I think about it I think I was wrong to prejudge them, but at the time it seemed right. Why does everything seem right at the time then when you look back on it, you've made a bad choice? Why did I make myself into a nazi? who knows? over protective yes that does seem like me. but willing to let people deal with there own stuff also me. I'm caught between two worlds, and some days one is more predominent then the other. I really don't know which side to really stay on. I know I'm always looking out for firends and loved ones I hate seeming them hurt, I'd always rather it be me then them. I always seem to have this nack at not really letting on that something is bothering me. Usually when people think I'm made I'm usually just deep in thought or not paying any attention at all. But all in all I know I've learned alot for this experience even though it's really only the second of six days. but who know's maybe things will get resolved early they probably won't but I like to be hopefull. I will admit it's pretty hard to plan something now, since the person that I always want to come is off limits. it kind of put's a nice sized road block in my planning, but I just have to make due. so I guess another 10 minutes of writing and I should get ready to go, got a dentist appointment at 11:15, then I get to work from 2-6. Atleast it's some sort of hours I guess. It's going to be a small paycheck this week I think but oh well. I've got other things I would like to see get worked out before I massive pay check. Money doesn't make you happy the company of good friends and loved ones does, I could be broke as broke could be and still be happy. I guess that's all I really want to be is happy. Everything else just seems to fall into place when things are going well, but when there not it seems like I'm trying to shove a square block through a circle hole. Lol. just doesn't work out so well. but anyways my 10 minutes left is basically up. and I think that I've finally ran out of things to type about.

But if you are reading my posts please comment I like to know who's read what. or write me an email or something. It just helps to see that people are reading what I have to say and I like to hear your opinioins on what I have said. But like I said I'm off. Maybe I'll post again tomorrow.

Later.